There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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