Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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