Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
