I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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