just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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