My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
