nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
