those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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