i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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