I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
