weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
