Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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