shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
