here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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