make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
