just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I need water and some morals
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
