why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
