i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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