you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
