i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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