Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
