Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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