someone get that fucking seahorse.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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