My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
