If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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