I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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