I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
