Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
