He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
