She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
