So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
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Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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