Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
