hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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