I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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