Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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