theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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