meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
