Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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