Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
