Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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