Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
