It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
