whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
