i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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