I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
