I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
