if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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