just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
