She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
