Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
