My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
