I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
