If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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