I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
