I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
