apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
