i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
