Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this just has baby written all over it
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
