how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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