meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
