I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
