I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
