OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
