atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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