I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm gonna fight the coyote
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
