We won't sleep together?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
